


Vampire Love

by BeccaBear93



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Vampire Turning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 08:22:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5578324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeccaBear93/pseuds/BeccaBear93
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Baz makes good on his promise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote most of this fic. Then realized I had screwed it all up and rewrote it. Then decided I liked some parts of the first version better. So I mushed the two together, and I have no idea if it's okay or if it's weird and jumpy and terrible. I guess we'll see.
> 
> Title once again taken from a song (this time by Ash) because I am too lazy to figure out titles.
> 
> If you don’t want angst, turn back now.

**Baz:**

“Simon?”

He hums in acknowledgement, but doesn’t turn towards me. I can sense Bunce standing just outside our door.

“Are you ready to eat?”

No answer. That’s a no, then.

“Do you want to see Penelope?”

One shoulder rises and falls slightly, but his eyes stay glued to the window. I try to stand up, but his grip on my hand tightens. I sigh and sit back down on Simon’s bed. “Come in, Bunce!” I call.

She hesitates but steps inside after a minute, closing the door quietly behind her. She leans against it, staring at her feet. For a minute, I think she might cry, but she straightens up and lifts her chin to look at Simon. “How are you doing today, Simon?” she asks, voice barely raised above a whisper.

He blinks, watching a crow fly by.

“That good, huh?” she mutters, letting out a sigh. I gesture to my bed, and she sits down. It’s not like I’ve been able to use it at all this week. Somebody might as well.

The silence hangs in the air, the combined presence of all of the things we aren’t talking about. After a few minutes, I gently shake off Simon’s hand and stand up. “We’ll be back in a few minutes, okay? I’ll bring back some food for you.”

Simon just shrugs. I motion for Bunce to follow me, and we head down the steps from the tower. “I don’t know what to do,” she admits. “I feel like he’s just fading. I can’t reach him anymore.”

“I don’t know, either.” It scares me more than I’d like to admit. “I think the best we can do right now is just stay here, and… Well, keep him alive, really. I’ve been bringing all of his food up to him. He’ll eat, but he won’t leave the room. He barely lets _me_ leave.”

“I’m here to stay,” she replies resolutely. “And if he’s eating, at least that’s… something.” I know that neither of us want to think about what the alternative would mean.

“Let’s hurry and get back,” I say. I don’t like leaving Simon alone for any longer than necessary.

\-----

After Bunce leaves and Simon finishes eating, he finally turns away from the window. It’s the first time he’s looked at me today, but his eyes are still distant, like he’s staring straight through me.

He opens and closes his mouth a few times, swallowing, and my heart leaps. I haven’t heard his voice since the last battle with the Mage, and it makes me wonder if we’re making some progress. He takes a deep breath and finally manages to force out the words, his voice hoarse. “When will you make good on your promise?”

“What promise?” I ask, confused.

“You told me I’d live with you forever,” he answers. It takes me a minute to read between the lines.

“You actually want me to Turn you,” I say disbelievingly. It isn’t a question.

“My magic was everything. I feel so fucking empty without it,” he says, voice cracking. A part of me is worried he’ll start crying. A part of me wishes he would. It would be the first emotion I’ve seen from him in a week. “I have nothing left. Just give me _something_ back, please…”

“Snow,” I say warningly. “It would be the worst mistake of your life. It would be the worst mistake of _my_ life. I’m not doing it.”

“You told me you would,” he says, voice hardening again. I can already tell he won’t give up until he gets what he wants. That doesn’t mean I won’t put up a fight.

“I refuse to turn you into a monster, Snow.”

“ _You’re_ not a monster.”

“I would be if I bit you.”

“Not if I asked for it.”

“Simon. No.” I try to keep my voice steady and end the argument. It probably sounds more like I’m pleading with him not to make me do this. I am.

“Please, Baz.”

“You have no idea what it’s like. You don’t know how it feels to crave blood all the time, to be scared of yourself.”

“I know exactly what it’s like to be scared of myself!” Simon argues. “Do you think I was never afraid of losing control of my magic and hurting myself, or worse, someone else?” He’s yelling now. It’s strangely satisfying. I’d rather hear him angry than emotionless. I’d rather hear him angry than not hear him at all.

“It would literally kill you!” I know I’m going to lose this battle.

“I don’t care! Can’t you see that I’m _already_ dead? I just want some bit of that power back!” I’d give anything to bring the life back to his eyes again.

“Please don’t make me do this.” Even if that means stealing his actual life.

“Please, Baz,” he says one more time, softer. He knows he’s won.

“You’re going to regret it.”

“Regret is better than nothing.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Simon:**

“Turn off the lights,” I grumble as soon as I wake up, throwing my arm over my eyes.

“They aren’t on, Simon,” Penny says quietly, sadly. I imagine that Baz has already told her what happened.

“It’s just the sun,” he says. I can hear the loathing back in his voice, and I know it’s aimed at himself, not me. I feel bad that I caused it, but I can’t regret it when I can finally feel power coursing under my skin again, when I finally feel _alive_ again.

I hear the curtains being slid closed, and I move my arm. My eyes adjust to the dim light much faster than I would have expected. I sit up and look around. Baz is standing by the window, not looking at me. I’m surprised to see Penny hugging him.

“I’m sorry.” I don’t know who I’m apologizing to. Both of them, I guess.

“Why, Simon?” Penny asks sadly. I stare at her for a moment, and she deflates. “No, don’t tell me. I understand why. I hate that I understand, but I do.”

I can hear her heartbeat from here. It distracts me for a minute, and I can feel my fangs growing out. I reach up and run my finger over them carefully. I always wondered what Baz’s fangs felt like.

When Baz can finally bring myself to look at me, he sees my teeth and immediately rushes over. “We should get you something to eat,” he says quietly. I know he isn’t talking about food. I nod in agreement. I’m thirsty. I’m so thirsty I feel like I could never drink enough to sate it.

“We’ll be back soon, okay, Penny?” I glance up at her and am once again caught up in the sound of her heartbeat. I can’t hear my own. I wonder whether I don’t have one, or if it’s just too soft for me to notice.

\-----

Baz hunts for me. He seems almost scared to let me do it myself, though I don’t understand why. He catches and kills some rats, and I practically devour them. I’ve never been this thirsty in my life. Or is it hungry? I can still feel that human hunger, but I can’t tell the difference when it comes to my craving for blood.

When we’re done, Baz leads me to the river. “We should get you cleaned up,” he says. I look at my reflection in the water, and sure enough, there’s blood all over my face. It’s on my cuffs, too.

“How do you stay clean?” I ask.

“Too much practice,” he answers bitterly.

I splash my face and start to scrub at it, but jump at a sudden noise in the trees. I stare towards it until Baz rubs my arm comfortingly. “It’s just a twig breaking. Probably just a deer,” he says. “I know it sounds close, but it’s nowhere near us.”

I nod and go back to cleaning myself off, but all of the new sights and sounds prove too distracting. Baz huffs out a laugh and does it for me.

“I… It’s hard… When Penny’s around,” I say after a few minutes of hesitation. I don’t want to give Baz anything more to feel guilty about, but this is important. I have to learn to control it.

“I know,” he answers, frowning at the ground. “I’m sorry. It will get easier to suppress, after a while. I can keep her away until then, if you want.”

I don’t answer. I don’t want to be separated from my best friend. But I don’t want to hurt her, either.

On the walk back to our room, he’s impossibly patient. Even when I stop to listen to a conversation on the opposite side of a building, he just waits quietly.

“You’ll get used to it eventually,” he promises.

I don’t tell him that I don’t want to get used to it. I don’t tell him that I enjoy my new, stronger senses.

We eventually make it back, and I change into my pajama pants, but I feel restless. Baz watches me pace silently.

“I don’t want to sleep,” I eventually admit.

“Your new sensitivity to light changes the rhythms in your body. I didn’t think it would happen so quickly, though. You’ll want to be awake at night and asleep during the day. You’ll have to fight that if you don’t want to stand out, though.”

“Fine,” I huff, sitting on my bed. My knee starts bouncing, and I whine, “I don’t want to.”

Baz lets out a real laugh, and I count it as a victory. He turns off the light, but I can still see him clearly. “Go to sleep, Simon,” he insists.

I hesitate, but eventually ask, “Will you at least sleep with me?” I made him do something that I know he would never have wanted to do. I know he’ll stay to help me out of some ridiculous sense of obligation, but I don’t know where we stand now. It’s the first time I’ve brought it up since he Turned me.

Baz watches me silently for a moment, then sits up with a sad smile. “Of course I will,” he says. I lay down against the wall, and he climbs under the sheets next to me.

I take his hand, and after a minute, I whisper, “Thank you.” I know it’s not what he wants to hear, and I’m not surprised when he doesn’t answer. I feel terrible for what I’ve put him through, both in forcing him to do this and in being miserable and unresponsive over the past week. He stayed, though. He doesn’t have to be, but he’s still here, and it’s made something clearer than ever.

“I love you,” I whisper. I’m far more scared of those words than I was of becoming a vampire. I’m more scared of those words than I was of facing off against the Humdrum. Saying them may actually be the scariest thing I’ve ever done.

Baz blinks at me in surprise for a few moments, then presses a kiss to my knuckles. “I love you, too.”

I smile, relieved, and close my eyes.

I don’t fall asleep for a very long time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Simon:**  
When we return from hunting a few days later, I stop just outside the door. “She’s in there.”

Baz nods. “Do you want me to ask her to leave?”

I consider it for a few moments. “No. I think it should be easier since I’ve just fed. I think I can handle it, at least for a while.”

“Okay, but promise you’ll tell me if anything changes.”

“I will,” I promise, giving his hand a quick squeeze. He opens the door, and I sit on my bed. He tries to go to his own, but I don’t let go of his hand.

Baz sits down next to me, and after checking to make sure he doesn’t mind, Penny sits on his bed. She stares down at her feet, wringing her hands. “What’s wrong?” I ask.

“I was going to ask you the same thing,” she says, finally looking up. “You’ve been avoiding me. Did I do something wrong?”

“No, Penny, it’s nothing like that!” I rush to assure her. “It’s just… I can’t…” I look to Baz pleadingly. I can’t tell my best friend that some part of me wants to kill her!

Baz sighs. “Bunce, it’s not about you. Snow is just having trouble being around humans in general right now,” he says, giving her a meaningful look.

She gets a wrinkle in her forehead while she tries to decipher that. “Oh,” she says faintly after a minute. “I’m so sorry, Simon… I didn’t even consider that.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“It won’t be forever,” Baz says. “He just needs some time to get used to his new… ‘life.’”

“Should I leave, then?” Penny asks, already standing up.

I gesture for her to sit back down. “I’m fine for now. I… I just ate.”

Her eyes widen. “Oh. How--” her voice cracks a bit. She swallows and tries again. “How was that?”

I shrug. “Strange. Different. It’s kind of disturbing if I stop to think about it, but if I don’t… It’s just like eating as a human. Blood tastes good. I don’t know if it would have as a human, or if my taste buds changed when I became a vampire, but… It’s not like it’s something disgusting I have to force down my throat.”

“I don’t know if that makes it better or worse,” Penny says, huffing out a small laugh.

“Neither do I,” I answer honestly.

 “Well, let’s put that aside for another day, then. Would you like to go get some… normal food?” she asks. “It’s nice to see you up and moving and talking. I’d like to see it some more.”

I look to Baz. He shrugs. “You still need real food, too. Now’s as good a time as any, since there won’t be as much… temptation,” he says, looking at me meaningfully.

I stand up, nodding. “Okay, then. Let’s go.”

We head out, Penny and Baz flanking me. When we get there, I’m pleased but somehow surprised when Baz stays with us, sitting down to eat next to me. We haven’t been together outside of our own room, really. It’s a nice change.

Another surprise is that all the food tastes as delicious as ever. My love for the sour cherry scones hasn’t been diminished. I expected things to taste differently, whether because of my new preference for blood or because everything about this place has been tainted for me. It gives me the strangest sense of relief when I bite into everything and taste the same amazing flavor. There are some things that, despite everything, have stayed the same.

I look between Baz and Penny, who are paying more attention to me than their own food, and a strange thought suddenly hits me. “You lied,” I accuse Baz.

He withdraws in shock and confusion. “What did I lie about?” he asks.

“You said I’d have x-ray vision!” I didn’t really believe it, of course, but it’s worth saying for the quiet giggle I hear from Penny.

Baz laughs, too. “Okay, I might have lied about that, but I was telling the truth about the superhuman strength and senses.”

“I know. I was really looking forward to being able to see through… things, though,” I say, looking him up and down with a smirk.

Baz turns bright red, and Penny laughs again, nearly choking on her cider.

Baz manages to compose himself quickly; I can never seem to keep the upper hand for long. When he does, he leans over to murmur in my ear, “You don’t need x-ray vision to see what’s under my clothes, Snow. All you have to do is ask.”

Now I’m the one blushing. I turn back to Penny so I don’t have to look at him, but she’s nearly in hysterics. I’m positive that she couldn’t hear what he said, but it obviously shows on my face. Her laughter has turned silent from lack of breath, and after a moment, I can’t help but join her. Despite the slightly mortifying circumstances, it feels good to smile and laugh again. One week may not seem like long, but it was longer than I would ever want to feel that lost.

We finish the meal, talking and joking, and I feel better than I have in what seems like forever. Afterwards, we split up, and Baz and I head back to our room. On the walk there, every bit of my new hypersensitive senses is focused on him. I lightly run my fingers up the back of his arm and revel in the way he tenses but says nothing.

The walk seems to take forever. When we finally make it through the door, I close it behind us and stare at him silently for a moment that seems to stretch on and on. Obviously, Baz and I are on the same page, because the stillness breaks and we lunge for each other at the exact same moment.

I grasp for his arm with one hand and his hair with the other. I can feel his own hands at my waist and the back of my neck. He licks into my mouth, and we kiss for a few minutes before I push him away gently. He looks confused, but it ends with my next push, which is much harder. I want to test the strength he says I have, and he seems to understand quickly. I shove Baz, and he lets me, stumbling back until he falls onto his back on his bed.

I climb on and hover over him on my hands and knees, the way I did that first night. He doesn’t even hesitate this time, pushing himself up on his elbows to catch my lips. I lace the fingers of one hand with his, pulling it out from under him, and he falls back again. My mouth moves, slowly, from his lips to his jaw, and then to his neck, where I can feel what remains of his pulse after we fed earlier. I focus on that spot, kissing and sucking. Baz’s head falls back, giving me easier access, and his hand tightens around mine almost painfully. I pull away, not bothering to try and hide my grin at the red mark that’s formed.

Baz pulls me back to him with his free hand. I kiss him for a minute, letting go of his hand and bringing mine to the top button of his shirt. I pull away just enough to whisper against his lips. “Can I?”

Baz smirks. “I told you, all you have to do is ask.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Simon:**  
When the morning light hits my eyes, I groan and curl even closer to Baz, burying my face in his shoulder. “’m hungry,” I groan in annoyance.

Baz chuckles and runs a hand through my hair. “Let’s go to breakfast, then.”

“No, I’m _hungry_ ,” I repeat, nipping his neck for emphasis.

“Already?” He sounds surprised. I’ve gotten the feeling that my bloodlust is stronger and comes on faster than Baz’s, whether by nature or just because he’s had so much practice ignoring it. He pats my arm, repeating, “Let’s go, then.”

“Too tired,” I protest.

“You’re so spoiled,” Baz says, but he’s laughing. “Do you want breakfast in bed?”

I nod, but cling to him tighter. I’m not sure which I want more, blood or Baz.

“I can’t hunt unless you let me go.”

I spend a few more moments debating with myself, then lift my head from his shoulder and my arm from his chest. He kisses my forehead, then stands up, and I immediately roll into the warm spot he’s left behind.

“I’ll be back in a bit.”

“Mmkay. Thank you.” I hear the sounds of Baz shuffling around for a few minutes, and then the door closes and I start to drift off again. In just a few minutes, though, there’s a knock. I growl, but call out, “Just a minute!”

I roll out of bed and get dressed as quickly as possible, then let Penny in. Baz has been sitting with me lately, so his bed has been Penny’s seat whenever she comes. Today, she starts to sit down, notices the clothes littered on the floor around it, and quickly stands back up. She paces around for a moment and I sit back down. “What’s wrong, Penny?”

She hesitates. “Simon, you… you’d tell me, if anything was bothering you, right?”

“Sure. Why wouldn’t I?”

Penny sighs, shoulders dropping. “Baz isn’t here right now. You can talk to me. Doesn’t it scare you?”

“What?” I ask, “Being a vampire? I told you, it only bothers me if I think about it too much. I don’t regret asking him to Turn me, if that’s what you’re asking. Ebb and the Mage and my magic left a hole in me, Penny. I won’t lie. And somehow, all of this is helping to fill it.”

“Okay.” She nods a few times. “Okay, that’s… That’s good.”

Suddenly, the door opens. “Hello, Bunce,” Baz says. I’m surprised I didn’t hear him coming, until I realize that I was too focused on the sound of Penny’s heartbeat again.

Penny glances back and forth between the two of us and catches the door before it can close. “I’ll just be going, then. I’ll see you two later.” She shoots me one last confused look and leaves.

“What was that about?” Baz asks.

“I don’t know. I think she expects me to be doing worse than I am.”

He watches me for a minute, then asks, “What’s wrong?”

I once again consider lying, telling him that it’s nothing. Baz is the only person I can talk to about this, though. I focus my gaze on the wall over his shoulder, shrugging. “She’s scared of me. I’m scared of myself. I’m scared of my new obsession with her heart, and her blood.”

“She’s not scared _of_ you. She’s worried _for_ you.”

“How do you know?”

“If you’re so fascinated with her heartbeat, then you should already know.”

It takes a minute for Baz’s meaning to dawn on me. “It’s strong, but not _fast_. She isn’t scared or panicking.”

He nods. “Exactly. Penelope would trust you with her life. That hasn’t changed.”

“Maybe she shouldn’t,” I say. “It was even harder to control just now. I’m hungry and you weren’t here.”

My confession seems to remind Baz of the reason for his absence, and he hands over a handful of rats by their tails. I take them, immediately biting into one. “It takes time, but you’ll get used to it. We’ll keep you… sated, and after a while, it’ll be easier to resist.”

“But it won’t go away,” I conclude. When I notice the look in his eyes, I add, “Don’t lie.”

He sighs and sits down on the bed next to me. “No, it won’t. The temptation will always be there.”

I don’t want to think about this anymore. I certainly don’t want to _talk_ about it anymore. I slide closer, placing my hand on Baz’s thigh. “Was I ever a…temptation to you?”

I know he sees right through me, but he plays along. “Always,” he answers, smirking. His hand covers mine. “In every sense of the word.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Baz:**

The next day starts much the same as the last did, with Simon whining about being hungry. I tease him, but it’s just for show. I have no problem with going out to find him some food, especially after his confession yesterday. I want to keep his thirst at a minimum, and I’m glad to put off teaching him how to hunt for himself.

I realize that I’m trying to keep him as peaceful and as human as possible for as long as possible.

The rats are staying away from the places they usually gather, probably because so many have been killed off in such a small period of time. It takes longer than usual, but I drain a few rats and catch and kill several to bring back to Simon.

When I get back to the tower, I stop outside the door. Something is wrong. The scent of blood is strong, even from out here.

I push the door open, rush in, and close it as quickly as possible, just in case anybody else happens to wander up and see what happened.

I wish I could say I was more surprised by the sight that awaits me. I wish I’d been wrong.

Simon is sitting on the floor, staring blankly at Bunce’s body. She’s lying next to him, blood soaking into her hair. Much more of it is around Simon’s mouth and staining his clothes.

I kneel down next to Penelope and check her pulse. It’s pointless. I already know I won’t find one; I can’t hear any heartbeat or breathing from her. Even if she survived the loss of blood, her injuries aren’t nice and neat and easily healed. For a moment, I regret not teaching Simon how to hunt properly, or how to make the least mess possible.

I can feel his eyes boring into my back. I take a deep breath and turn around slowly. He looks so scared: of himself, of me, of what’s happened.

I am, too.

I can’t abandon him, though.

I take another shaky breath and grab Simon’s hand. My thumb rubs over his knuckles automatically. “It’s okay,” I say, steadier than I feel. “We’ll take care of it.”

“It’s not okay,” he replies, eyes going distant again as he turns them back to Penelope. “It will never be okay.”

I can lie _for_ him. I wish I could lie _to_ him.

“I know.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Baz:**  
I buried Penelope myself, deep in the woods. I don’t know how I got by without being seen. I don’t know how I’ll hide it when they come looking for her.

That’s a lie. I know exactly what I’ll do. I’ll tell them I killed her. I’ve played the villain before. I don’t mind doing it again, as long as it keeps Simon safe.

I don’t think that’s something I’ll have to worry about for much longer.

He’s fading again, farther and farther out of my reach.

He spends his days staring out the window again, or at the spot on the floor that I’ve scrubbed, physically and magically, many more times than was probably necessary.

I’ve tried to talk to Simon, but he’s completely unresponsive. He doesn’t even shrug or look at me anymore. When I hold his hand, there’s no pressure returned.

He won’t eat, in any sense of the word. I had to drain the rats from that day myself eventually and throw out their corpses, just so they wouldn’t make the room smell. He’s starving himself, losing weight and going crazy from the lack of blood.

The only time I hear his voice is when he’s tossing and turning with nightmares. The only way to soothe him is to wake him up, and I think that just quiets and stills him. The nightmares are still in his head, slowly killing him, even when he’s awake.

He’s fading away again, and the worst part is that there’s nothing I can do to stop it this time.

I can’t save him from himself. Not when I’m barely holding myself together. Not when I’m the one who turned him into this to begin with.


End file.
